Frozen

Surrounded by faces,

but still alone.

Memories posed in 5 by 7’s.

Those moments stare at you-

Paralyzed in time.

Like you ,

They are frozen–

In their old dusty frames.

Come down off the  wall

Join us…!

But the cry is hard to make out

Through this numb fog.

You hear it....

Yet you don’t move.

You just stare  -

And look back.

At those frozen walls.

Waiting on something to pull you in.

Life will not wait.

Those pictures will fade.

And you will too –

You will say goodbye,

To when…

And there will be nothing left.

But those dusty frames

Of old strangers

You once knew…

And nothing more to remember.

The Hope of it All.

I am absolutely in love with Hope.  It is my favorite word in the English language.   For, I have made a discovery about life, about the Makers plan for us.  It is so true and so clear to me.  We are each others hope.  It is in each other, in the revealing of our naked vulnerabilities, that we find kinship.  It is in our belief in the temporal nature of circumstance, that we lock our arms together and march in hope for one another.  It is why God gave us the privilege of experiencing true compassion.  We reflect the nature of our creator when we care for one another in a way that causes us to suffer with them.  Suffering reveals raw humanity.    "Under everything, just another human being" is one of my favorite lines from the Pearl Jam song, 'Just Breathe'.   Humanity is the great common denominator.  We really only carry a few things to our grave... our faith, our love, our sorrows... our humanity. So it makes sense then. .. All those 'Why?' questions. We are experiencing pain, loss, hurt, grief, love goodness, hope... all for one another.  So we can bear the burden when it is our turn; so we can give strength to those who can not lift their own faces up.  So that our faces can be lifted up when we have no strength.   It is our collective life's work.  It is the purpose of all things that make no sense. The meaning is sometimes only found in the survival, for the act of surviving sometimes is itself the revelation. The meaning is in the Hope that the survival perpetuates.  We are connected in our stories of our humanness.  Our stories of survival tell the tale of Hope.  It all has meaning because it has meaning to someone else.  It is this chain of Hope that links us;  to each other... and to our Creator. 

Mumford & Sons - The Cave (Bookshop Sessions)

It happened again today...

It happened again today.  I disappointed someone. 

I am sitting in the office of a crisis pregnancy center.  I have been here many times before.  I brought in one of my clients who thought she may be pregnant.  I personally volunteered here for 5 years and have been involved with them since that time in some fashion.  So, I ran into a few old friends.  I haven't seen them in a few years.  They didn't know I was divorced.

So as the conversation grew more awkward, question by question ...
I had to say it... "You didn't hear that I am divorced now did you?" 
Then it happened... again.  The "Oh no, that can't be true face."  The "Not you too!" face.  Oh... the utter disappointment.  After the sentence where I revealed how little she knew about me, she simply, smiled, nodded and walked away.  AWKWARD! 

I knew what happened.  I failed her.  She is so sad, so many people she knows are divorced now.  It is the nature of the age we are.  She is afraid to ask... "Why? How?" and wants to just scream at the wind; for she is married.  I know it is hard to have a good marriage.  That is the exact reason I got a divorce.  It makes those people who work so hard to stay married discouraged when they realize that as strong a person as they thought I was, I too have taken the easy way out.  I have discouraged them.  They wanted more for me.  They wanted more for my kids.  They are sad for me, and they honestly are in some ways afraid.  Afraid that somehow it could happen to them.  I felt like I had contaminated her. 

If I Could I Would...

If I could I would block the hands of anger that clenched you in your innocence.

If I could I would intervene before the sorrow of the selfishness of others tainted your life.

If I could I would tame the dull dragons that quietly chase you into a coma of doubt. 

If I could I would slay the demons in the back of your mind that keep you paralyzed and afraid to run past. 

If I could I would take the pain you feel and let your scars sink into my skin.

If I could I would wrestle the sharks that circle as you struggle to cling to hope.

If I could I would fight your battles, even if  I had to face my own fears to win the war.

If I could I would break down the walls that you build to keep yourself locked away from happiness.

If I could I would convince you of the beautiful things that I see blooming from your heart, that you deny.

If I could I would make it all quiet and give you peace. 

If I  could I would love you for yourself.

If I could I would be alive for you.If I could I would.

So it begins...

I feel like I need a new place to begin.  I have blogged before so I am not new at this.  However, I feel I need a new place to get lost in my own words...  A place to just say what I am thinking.  It is so fitting for this time.  I am in a new place, living a new life, loving a new man, and being a new kind of person.  Much of this newness has been birthed through the loss of my old life, and most of these conclusions have grown out of that loss.   I guess there really never  is anything new, that is not born out of the loss of something old.  So here is my new life on display, for only the truly curious or maybe the truly bored.  I don't care why you read it,  I just need to say it.  My only request is that I not be condemned for my thoughts for they are fluid and seemingly full of change.  This is only a discussion.  A classic cathartic journey of my thoughts.  You may read along, but please don't try to influence me. Observe quietly if you will. 

- Feel free to comment... I love being ironic.