I miss you and Daddy being together...

Today is a sad day.  My oldest daughter, who is two weeks shy of seven, came to me to tell me that she had been lying to me about some things.  She said she wanted to tell me the truth because it was the right thing to do and she didn't want to do the wrong thing.  She said it was making her feel "cloudy inside".  I thanked her for telling me the truth and confessing to me that she had not been truthful.  She said she was telling lies to get out of trouble so that she wouldn't have to face punishment. I think she is remarkable.  We had a good talk about this and it seemed to open a floodgate for her.  I had just discussed that she was going to spend the night at her dads. We have been divorced for over a year.  She lives with me and goes there everyday after school and spends the night once or twice a week.  We have a decent relationship, much like you have with any member of your family.  We got divorced for the same tragic reason most Americans do... we weren't happy, we didn't think we could ever be happy together again.  So we did this.  We have made it work.  As far as divorces go, we work pretty hard to make out kids feel okay.  The girls had a bit of a hard time at first.  They had a lot hurled at them.  We moved out.  I went back to work full time. I had been a stay at home Mom.  We stopped going to the church they were raised in.  My youngest started full time preschool.  My oldest started kindergarten.  We stopped keeping in touch with a lot of the people they considered close to them.  I was getting home really late so I even changed jobs after seven months of traffic and not getting home until seven at night.  Then their dad got married, they had two step sisters a new step mom and now a new baby sister... all who live in their old house that they visit every weekday.  Whew, you say... yes, whew. Transition after transition, they have accepted and moved through all of these things.  I also am in a relationship with someone that they accept and care for.  Here is the sad part. 

Noelle said she didn't want to go to her dad's and she wished we could move away.  I was shocked.  She loves her Dad.  She really adores him.  She had been saying it was that his house had raccoons.  Then she said it wasn't really the raccoons.  She said her stepsister always bosses her around.  She started saying all kinds of stuff.  I stopped her... I knew what she was doing.  I said, "Does it make you sad that you are not by yourself with your dad at the yellow house anymore?"  She started crying.  She said it was that she "misses you and Daddy being together at the yellow house." I will never forget that moment in time.  When I watched my child ache over my choice.  When I see the affects of what I have chosen pour out of her sad little heart.  She was saying she didn't like the way things were there anymore and it made her sad to be there.  I understood.  I started crying.  My youngest got really sad.  She said that what her sister said made her sad.  I told her that I was so sorry that things were different.  I was sorry that Daddy and Mommy couldn't be together anymore for her.  I promised her that even though Daddy and Mommy couldn't be together in a house, we still loved them both and that I would do my best to make every new day a good day, even though it was different than it used to be.  She hugged me.  We all cried.  Then they both drew pictures of their feelings and we wrote notes and drew for each other.  It really cheered her up.  She said... "You know what?  My heart is glowing now.  Because of your love.  I was sad, but your love made me happy."

Oh God, please be with my children.  Please fill the holes that I have created by my choices.  Forgive me for failing my children and give them peace.  Help them not to make choices in their own lives that are rooted in what they have lost in their childhood.  I am so sad.