I miss you and Daddy being together...

Today is a sad day.  My oldest daughter, who is two weeks shy of seven, came to me to tell me that she had been lying to me about some things.  She said she wanted to tell me the truth because it was the right thing to do and she didn't want to do the wrong thing.  She said it was making her feel "cloudy inside".  I thanked her for telling me the truth and confessing to me that she had not been truthful.  She said she was telling lies to get out of trouble so that she wouldn't have to face punishment. I think she is remarkable.  We had a good talk about this and it seemed to open a floodgate for her.  I had just discussed that she was going to spend the night at her dads. We have been divorced for over a year.  She lives with me and goes there everyday after school and spends the night once or twice a week.  We have a decent relationship, much like you have with any member of your family.  We got divorced for the same tragic reason most Americans do... we weren't happy, we didn't think we could ever be happy together again.  So we did this.  We have made it work.  As far as divorces go, we work pretty hard to make out kids feel okay.  The girls had a bit of a hard time at first.  They had a lot hurled at them.  We moved out.  I went back to work full time. I had been a stay at home Mom.  We stopped going to the church they were raised in.  My youngest started full time preschool.  My oldest started kindergarten.  We stopped keeping in touch with a lot of the people they considered close to them.  I was getting home really late so I even changed jobs after seven months of traffic and not getting home until seven at night.  Then their dad got married, they had two step sisters a new step mom and now a new baby sister... all who live in their old house that they visit every weekday.  Whew, you say... yes, whew. Transition after transition, they have accepted and moved through all of these things.  I also am in a relationship with someone that they accept and care for.  Here is the sad part. 

Noelle said she didn't want to go to her dad's and she wished we could move away.  I was shocked.  She loves her Dad.  She really adores him.  She had been saying it was that his house had raccoons.  Then she said it wasn't really the raccoons.  She said her stepsister always bosses her around.  She started saying all kinds of stuff.  I stopped her... I knew what she was doing.  I said, "Does it make you sad that you are not by yourself with your dad at the yellow house anymore?"  She started crying.  She said it was that she "misses you and Daddy being together at the yellow house." I will never forget that moment in time.  When I watched my child ache over my choice.  When I see the affects of what I have chosen pour out of her sad little heart.  She was saying she didn't like the way things were there anymore and it made her sad to be there.  I understood.  I started crying.  My youngest got really sad.  She said that what her sister said made her sad.  I told her that I was so sorry that things were different.  I was sorry that Daddy and Mommy couldn't be together anymore for her.  I promised her that even though Daddy and Mommy couldn't be together in a house, we still loved them both and that I would do my best to make every new day a good day, even though it was different than it used to be.  She hugged me.  We all cried.  Then they both drew pictures of their feelings and we wrote notes and drew for each other.  It really cheered her up.  She said... "You know what?  My heart is glowing now.  Because of your love.  I was sad, but your love made me happy."

Oh God, please be with my children.  Please fill the holes that I have created by my choices.  Forgive me for failing my children and give them peace.  Help them not to make choices in their own lives that are rooted in what they have lost in their childhood.  I am so sad. 

Frozen

Surrounded by faces,

but still alone.

Memories posed in 5 by 7’s.

Those moments stare at you-

Paralyzed in time.

Like you ,

They are frozen–

In their old dusty frames.

Come down off the  wall

Join us…!

But the cry is hard to make out

Through this numb fog.

You hear it....

Yet you don’t move.

You just stare  -

And look back.

At those frozen walls.

Waiting on something to pull you in.

Life will not wait.

Those pictures will fade.

And you will too –

You will say goodbye,

To when…

And there will be nothing left.

But those dusty frames

Of old strangers

You once knew…

And nothing more to remember.

The Hope of it All.

I am absolutely in love with Hope.  It is my favorite word in the English language.   For, I have made a discovery about life, about the Makers plan for us.  It is so true and so clear to me.  We are each others hope.  It is in each other, in the revealing of our naked vulnerabilities, that we find kinship.  It is in our belief in the temporal nature of circumstance, that we lock our arms together and march in hope for one another.  It is why God gave us the privilege of experiencing true compassion.  We reflect the nature of our creator when we care for one another in a way that causes us to suffer with them.  Suffering reveals raw humanity.    "Under everything, just another human being" is one of my favorite lines from the Pearl Jam song, 'Just Breathe'.   Humanity is the great common denominator.  We really only carry a few things to our grave... our faith, our love, our sorrows... our humanity. So it makes sense then. .. All those 'Why?' questions. We are experiencing pain, loss, hurt, grief, love goodness, hope... all for one another.  So we can bear the burden when it is our turn; so we can give strength to those who can not lift their own faces up.  So that our faces can be lifted up when we have no strength.   It is our collective life's work.  It is the purpose of all things that make no sense. The meaning is sometimes only found in the survival, for the act of surviving sometimes is itself the revelation. The meaning is in the Hope that the survival perpetuates.  We are connected in our stories of our humanness.  Our stories of survival tell the tale of Hope.  It all has meaning because it has meaning to someone else.  It is this chain of Hope that links us;  to each other... and to our Creator. 

Mumford & Sons - The Cave (Bookshop Sessions)

It happened again today...

It happened again today.  I disappointed someone. 

I am sitting in the office of a crisis pregnancy center.  I have been here many times before.  I brought in one of my clients who thought she may be pregnant.  I personally volunteered here for 5 years and have been involved with them since that time in some fashion.  So, I ran into a few old friends.  I haven't seen them in a few years.  They didn't know I was divorced.

So as the conversation grew more awkward, question by question ...
I had to say it... "You didn't hear that I am divorced now did you?" 
Then it happened... again.  The "Oh no, that can't be true face."  The "Not you too!" face.  Oh... the utter disappointment.  After the sentence where I revealed how little she knew about me, she simply, smiled, nodded and walked away.  AWKWARD! 

I knew what happened.  I failed her.  She is so sad, so many people she knows are divorced now.  It is the nature of the age we are.  She is afraid to ask... "Why? How?" and wants to just scream at the wind; for she is married.  I know it is hard to have a good marriage.  That is the exact reason I got a divorce.  It makes those people who work so hard to stay married discouraged when they realize that as strong a person as they thought I was, I too have taken the easy way out.  I have discouraged them.  They wanted more for me.  They wanted more for my kids.  They are sad for me, and they honestly are in some ways afraid.  Afraid that somehow it could happen to them.  I felt like I had contaminated her. 

If I Could I Would...

If I could I would block the hands of anger that clenched you in your innocence.

If I could I would intervene before the sorrow of the selfishness of others tainted your life.

If I could I would tame the dull dragons that quietly chase you into a coma of doubt. 

If I could I would slay the demons in the back of your mind that keep you paralyzed and afraid to run past. 

If I could I would take the pain you feel and let your scars sink into my skin.

If I could I would wrestle the sharks that circle as you struggle to cling to hope.

If I could I would fight your battles, even if  I had to face my own fears to win the war.

If I could I would break down the walls that you build to keep yourself locked away from happiness.

If I could I would convince you of the beautiful things that I see blooming from your heart, that you deny.

If I could I would make it all quiet and give you peace. 

If I  could I would love you for yourself.

If I could I would be alive for you.If I could I would.

So it begins...

I feel like I need a new place to begin.  I have blogged before so I am not new at this.  However, I feel I need a new place to get lost in my own words...  A place to just say what I am thinking.  It is so fitting for this time.  I am in a new place, living a new life, loving a new man, and being a new kind of person.  Much of this newness has been birthed through the loss of my old life, and most of these conclusions have grown out of that loss.   I guess there really never  is anything new, that is not born out of the loss of something old.  So here is my new life on display, for only the truly curious or maybe the truly bored.  I don't care why you read it,  I just need to say it.  My only request is that I not be condemned for my thoughts for they are fluid and seemingly full of change.  This is only a discussion.  A classic cathartic journey of my thoughts.  You may read along, but please don't try to influence me. Observe quietly if you will. 

- Feel free to comment... I love being ironic.